Life Lessons From My Seventeen-Year-Old!

Photo by LoriConte

We get brutally tested in our closest personal relationships – while they offer the greatest source of joy, somehow they also have the potential to bring out the best and the worst in us. Parenting is a good example of that.
 

Firstly, among all our roles, we invariably find ourselves least trained for the responsibilities of parenthood. Second, children have a mind of their own and often their behavior is at odds with our expectations. Finally, our heightened attachment with their progress, although founded in love, actively interferes with our ability to be objective in our interactions.

Teenage years are particularly testing

As children start growing up, the generation gap between them and us can be a recurring source of communication breakdown. Teenage years are particularly tough. Children’s transition from a state of dependence to newfound independence, accompanied by the biological and psychological changes they experience during this time, is usually exceptionally taxing for the parents.

We routinely lose patience, get upset, worry excessively about their future and feel dejected when they talk back or break agreed rules. As someone wisely quipped, "Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years."

Stop Judging, Start Loving!

Photo by Andrea Castelletti

We judge others all the time. Rarely does a day go by before I catch myself judging someone. We judge our spouse, children, colleagues, friends and acquaintances. We feel at liberty to label them as self centered, inconsiderate, lazy, aggressive, overambitious, uninteresting, irresponsible and so forth. These labels then prevent us from connecting to them more deeply.

As Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

Not only do these labels shape our interactions in the present moment, but they also often lead us to forming longer-lasting opinions about others. My husband never cares; my daughter doesn’t have the hunger and will never be successful; my business head is very selfish or too political and the person I met at the party was so aggressive. As such, we classify others’ personality based on their current behavior and can be dismissive of them.

We judge ourselves

Besides others, we routinely judge ourselves. I can never punch above my weight in a meeting; I am never the life of a party; I am not that talented; I don’t have in me to be successful; my writing is so amateurish and so forth. This subconscious commentary is our perpetual companion.

This self-judgment impacts us in wide-ranging ways. It pervades our thoughts, making us feel inadequate; creates self-doubt, negating our commitment towards the task; leads to self-blame, making us undeservedly feel guilty; and generates residual stress in our bodies, resulting in reduced immunity and increased propensity to physical ailments.

How do we become judgmental?

Reversing Our Spiritual Amnesia

Photo by h.koppdelaney

Our spiritual identity is defined by our soul. Not only has this been vividly described by wide-ranging ancient scriptures, but individual experiences of near-death events and of alternate healing techniques like past-life and spiritual regression also reinforce the existence of our spiritual being as a soul. 

Our soul is the formless life force, the consciousness, that brings alive our human form. It is also our true essence, our eternal self. As French philosopher Teilhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” 

While many of us connect with this realism, rarely do we reflect enough on how souls possibly operate. Every individual soul is bound by its eternal journey to be one with the Supreme soul, the Source of the universal consciousness. However, interestingly, it is only in the physical form of a human body that the soul can progress on that journey.

Stating simplistically, at the time of death, the individual soul leaves the human body and reconnects with the Source. While this provides the soul a comforting homecoming and some sense of being whole again, the soul still carries the karmic imprint of its cumulative existence across various lives. The soul’s recognition of its karmic imperfections and its motivation to continue to purify itself, in line with its eternal goal, leads to its need for rebirth.

Yes, You Can Rewire Your Brain!

Photo by Dierk Schaefer

We are all creatures of habit. Right from our physical habits, related to what, when and how much we eat, sleep or exercise, to our emotional patterns, of love, anger, envy, fear, happiness or sadness, they recur with great alacrity. Likewise, our mental responses, be it of judging or accepting, seeking perfection or wholesomeness and controlling or letting go are vastly conditioned. 

In essence, as we grow older, we become hard-wired to be a certain way. It is commonly believed that it is then challenging, perhaps impossible, to try and change any of these habits. However, latest Neuroscience research highlights how it is possible to introduce new wiring in the brain – thereby, effecting change and establishing new habits.

Whatever fires together, wires together

Neuroscience reveals that our deeply ingrained habits are indeed a form of physical hard wiring in our brain. It is akin to having established electrical circuits in the brain that make us react or behave in a pre-determined way. Similar stimuli then generate identical and predictable responses.

Brain messaging, of positive or negative thoughts, generates corresponding emotional sensation in us. Our instinctive response to these sensations, arising from our childhood experiences or inborn orientation, leads to a certain behavior. As we repeatedly behave in a certain way with a given type of messaging, the neural connections bonding the trigger and the response get set in the brain.

Was Focused on Moderating Greed, Until I Discovered Aversion

Photo from Synergy by Jasmine

It might have been my upbringing that had sown the seeds of looking down on greed. Growing up in an Indian middle class environment, my childhood lessons were strewn with preaching on hard work, integrity, character and simple living. There was an active bias for quality education and a passive one against engaging in moneymaking activities. It was believed that the latter was connected with greed and that it eventually leads to discontentment.

Focused on curtailing ‘greed’

No wonder then, as I consciously decided, a few years ago, to embark on a journey of personal and spiritual growth, the idea of moderating my greed must have come naturally to me. I subconsciously switched from living with multiple and sometimes never ending ‘wants’ to being more centered around fulfilling important ‘needs’. The idea of constantly upgrading to a bigger house or a bigger car, that I was beginning to get accustomed to, didn’t seem to motivate me any more.

I left a lucrative corporate career, chose to pursue a simpler life and to find greater meaning and make a difference to others started a practice of life coaching. In the process, I turned somewhat idealistic in many of my thoughts and actions and it showed up in small but multiple ways – I moderated my ambitions, cut down on my travels, committed to daily meditation and gave up meat and alcohol.

With disciplined practice of meditation, I became calmer, less competitive, discovered new inner strength and found greater peace. I felt less attached to ambition and success and more grounded in a purposeful journey. I was happier.

Then I discovered ‘aversion’

Are You Nourishing Your Soul?

“Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body.” – Cicero, the Roman philosopher
 

While many of us regularly spend some time taking care of our health, these efforts are usually focused only on our physical well-being. We rarely focus enough on our emotional and mental health and most importantly on our spiritual well-being. Nourishing our soul is arguably the most important agenda we ought to be attending to in human life.

Spiritual well-being

Spiritual well-being is related to our level of self-awareness, clarity about the purpose of our life and a connection with something larger than ourselves. It is about knowing who we are, what our place in this universe is, and the extent of our interconnectedness with the universe. Soul is the part of us that is eternal and connects us with everything else; spiritual growth is fodder for the soul.

Spiritual development dictates gaining clarity on the purpose of our life; and committing to that purpose provides strength to our soul in its own everlasting journey. As the soul gets nourished, its energy reverberates in our physical, mental and emotional state as well. On the one hand, it fills us with peace and calm; on the other, it inspires our mind and body towards meaningful action.

Expressing Difficult Emotions

Photo by Le Xav'

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." – Kahlil Gibran

George blamed his wife for not sufficiently demonstrating her love for him and felt sad but hesitated to express his feelings to her. Mary was routinely stifled by her boss' aggression but was at a loss on what to do about it. Geetika was deeply troubled by her uneasy relationship with her seventeen-year-old son but struggled to get him to listen to her.

Till they found a new approach. If you too sometimes feel frustrated about not being able to share your real feelings with someone close to you, read on to find out how you can improve that relationship by expressing yourself differently.

Limitations of our approach

We routinely encounter situations where we either hold back our inner feelings or end up expressing them in an inappropriate manner – we generally fall into the classical trap of 'flight' or 'fight'. Either way, we are ineffective.

Altering Your Karmic Cycle

Photo by Alicepopkorn

"People often expect different results from doing the same actions" – Alcoholics Anonymous

Humans are creatures, or more like slaves, of habit. Besides well-ingrained physical habits, we also have deep-rooted mental ones – our attitudes, perceptions and beliefs that involuntarily guide our unique behavior. Our conditioned mental patterns are like our subconscious blueprint and they manifest in our life repeatedly.

As a result, we are prone to, and despite efforts usually find it hard to shake off, anger, fear, aggression, anxiety, envy or low self-esteem. For us to effectively break away from these traits, we need to comprehend what’s behind them.

Understanding karma is important

The notion of our deep-seated mental beliefs can be easily understood by becoming familiar with the concept of karma. It is valuable to grasp this concept to understand the inner mechanics of our thoughts and actions. Only by choosing to deal with our individual karma, can we work on creating a new reality for ourselves.

Loving What Is – The Secret Ingredient For Lasting Happiness

Photo by Harpersbizarre 

“Horrible #!@& shot”, screamed my golf buddy as he saw his ball disappearing into the trees. He had had a good round so far and felt this shot was going to ruin it. He was furious with himself and stayed flustered the rest of the afternoon.

Unfulfilled expectations are one of the biggest sources of unhappiness in human life. Our life is laden with these events – you miss out on the promotion you so badly hoped for, your partner and you have such diverse views that you can rarely agree, your child’s performance or behavior is at complete odds with your expectations, your favorite team loses the final, the weather in your much awaited holiday turns out to be lousy.

They are all potential sources of discontent. Essentially, any mismatch between our expectation and reality leads to disappointment. We feel frustrated, angry and sometimes bitter – a perfect recipe for being unhappy. Unfortunately, we routinely encounter such situations in every day life and even the smallest of mismatches contributes to the accumulating unhappiness.

The cause

At a deeper level, this discontentment is linked to our deep identification with our egoistic mind. Our mind routinely conjures up images of the future, elaborating on the potential rewards of our actions, which would take us closer to our dream of greater success and happiness. In the process, we build strong attachment with specific outcomes – the promotion, the child’s strong performance, the favorable weather and so forth.

Yeh Dil Maange More! (...Or This Heart Craves for More)

Photo by JD Hancock

Do you sometime notice a sense of restlessness within you - a subtle feeling of wanting more from life; a desire for more success, more happiness, more wealth, more comfort, more love, more acknowledgement, more friends, more wisdom, more time, more fun or more healthy years?

Initially, I thought this was a fleeting feeling that arose from time to time, but I have now come to recognize that its subtle presence can be a persistent one; it's undercurrents a constant companion. While this feeling is the source of fuel that moves us forward, it is also the cause of our discontent in life. How we quickly get used to any new circumstances in life and start nurturing these cravings from thereon.

If we had been dreaming about buying a Toyota Corolla, no sooner than we get to buy it, we get used to it and start eyeing the Camry. Not that the guy driving the Camry is any happier as he’s wondering when is he going to get his next upgrade.

3 Reasons For Our Discontentment

‘MOODS’: The Make-up of Our Unhappiness Gene

Photo by D. Sharon Pruitt

Happiness has been a conscious pursuit of mine lately. Driven by a quest for deeper meaning and in search of a purposeful life, I left the seductive life of a corporate executive some years ago. Since then, examining, exploring, and experimenting with happiness has been kind of a hobby. I have also developed a happiness test (please click here to check your happiness score) and have pored over the positive shifts my clients- and I personally- have experienced on the happiness scale over time.

Born to be happy (or unhappy)

I have come to believe that some people are simply born with a happiness gene. They lead a happier life irrespective of their circumstances or their station in life. They are happy whether they are materially successful or not; marry a loving partner or not; win or lose; are healthy or ailing and so forth.

However, they are a minority. For the rest of us, we instinctively drift towards unhappy feelings, as if we carry a dominant unhappiness gene that’s continually ready to assert itself. The consequent unhappiness ranges from subconscious undercurrents of incompleteness, constant desire for more and lack of joy to substantive sadness, anxiety and moments of depression. However, any of us can discover real happiness – just that for the majority of us, this requires making a conscious effort.

From some of my work in this area, I could not help observe the key symptoms of this unhappiness gene. Developing an understanding of these has been very helpful in working through my personal moments of confusion, anxiety and unhappiness as well as those of my clients.

‘MOODS’

MOODS is an acronym I have coined to capture the five key traits of this so-called unhappiness gene.